The Marriage Triangle

Now for the second half of what I have been working on. In addition to rebuilding the emotional relationship with my wife, I am also rebuilding the spiritual relationship with the Lord. Of the two relationships, the one with the Lord is the more important of the two. And it also helps the relationship with the wife.

I've found it helpful to think of the marriage relationship as a triangle. The Lord is at the top corner of the triangle, and me and my wife are at the two bottom corners.

As my wife and I draw closer to the Lord, we also naturally draw closer to each other.  This is when things are working the best. Emotional and spiritual needs are both being met from the proper sources. The primary source is the Lord, but our spouse is also able to give and receive much from us.

Alas, much of my relationship has been an obtuse triangle rather than an equilateral one (no wisecracks are needed about who is the obtuse one.  I already know).  An obtuse triangle is ot a very good relationship triangle, is it? But in order to get closer to my wife, I can't just heal my relationship with her:  I also need to heal my relationship with the Lord. In fact, this healing needs to come first. Trust me, I know. I've tried to do it the other way for enough years, that I can testify that it doesn't work. As I draw closer to the Lord, I will also naturally draw closer to my wife.

It reminds me of what President Ezra Taft Benson said: "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." Nowhere else is this more true than in our relationship with our spouse. As we have a better relationship with the Lord, so will we have a better relationship with our beloved.

Emotional Healing Comes First

Note: I created the original draft of this post in January 2013, but never got around to actually posting it.  I am posting it unchanged, as the things it says are just as relevant and true today as they were 16 months ago.

When I started this blog, I promised that I would share some of my personal story of healing through the Lord.  And yet, I have noticed that most of my posts have been at a higher level.  In an attempt to follow through on what I promised, I'm going to start sharing some of my personal healing.

I've pondered many ways in which I could rebuild things in my marriage with my wife.  I've tried various things, most of which haven't worked very well, or haven't lasted for very long.

I recently realized that I've been putting too much focus on what I eventually want from my relationship with my wife.  I haven't put enough energy into the relationship itself.  A classic case of putting the cart before the horse.  Because if the relationship itself is strong, then the things that I desire from the relationship will follow naturally.  But the reverse is not true.  And if I focus too much on what I want from the relationship, my wife will pick up on that, and it will actually set healing back.  It makes it feel like my efforts to improve things are coming with strings attached, and nobody wants that.

After fasting, I felt that I needed to focus exclusively on building the emotional relationship with my wife, without any regard for the physical relationship.  And by physical, I don't mean just sexual.  I mean other things, such as hugs, kisses, cuddling, the whole nine yards.  In fact, there is just one spot where I know it is "safe" to touch my wife right now: her hand.

If this sounds like I am starting over in my relationship, you would be right.  In many ways, it is like starting over again.  Is this difficult?  You bet.  But it beats doing the same thing that I've been trying for the past ten years, and receiving the same results that I have been for the past ten years.

And the results don't take ten years to see, either.  Even in just the week or so that I've been focusing (truly focusing) on rebuilding the emotional, I have seen healing.  And I have also been able to share some physical affection beyond touching hands.  But that hasn't been the focus, which has made it all the more sweet.  Because it has flowed naturally, rather than feeling forced.

If you're not happy with where your relationship is, please take it to the Lord.  He will help you to know where to go next.  He may not let you know immediately.  It's taken me many months of personal healing, prayer, and recovery to get to this point.  But rest assured, God loves you, He is keenly interested in you, your spouse, and your marriage, and He will help you to heal as you are patient and wait on His time.

Acting Like a Married Man

Image credit - www.dreamstime.com

I had an interesting revelation the other day.  I was pondering the way I was living, the things I was doing in my spare time, and some of my thought processes.  I realized that I have been living like a single man.  Strange that it should take me eleven years to figure that out.

I also realized that this way of living is not the most conducive to a happy and fulfilling family life.  Surely this way of thinking is not pleasing to the Lord, and it is certainly not attractive to my wife, nor a good example for my children.

If I am honest with myself, this is not really news to me.  Deep down inside, I knew that I haven't fully been living as I should.  I am not a single man anymore, and it is time I stop acting like it.  It is time for me to live like a married man.

I also had the thought that if I start living as a married man, perhaps I will be treated as a married man.  But even if not, I will still feel better, because I will not have the guilt and shame that I carry as a result of not living as I know I should.  The Lord will approve of my efforts to change and improve, regardless of how or if others respond.

It's time for me to live as a married man.

At the Crossroads

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life.  It's been awhile since I reached one.  There are three paths available to me.

One path leads to the realization of all of my hopes and dreams, both for myself and for my marriage.

One path leads onward the same way I have been going, which is a lonely place of mostly solitary travel.

One path leads backward to some of the things that I have left behind, which still whisper to me and beckon for me to return to them.

From where I stand, the paths look identical.  It will take some travel on each one before I can see the destination.  And once I am far enough to see the destination, the crossroads will be past my reach.

Deep down in my heart, I know the things that I need to do.  They are simple to understand (although that does not necessarily make them easy).  I pray that I may follow the promptings of the Spirit, so that I may choose the correct path, the one that will lead me to the things which God desires for me.


Image credit: http://www.dreamstime.com/

Forgiveness, Healing, and Trust

So, last month I made a big blunder in my relationship with my wife.  Actually, make that two big blunders.  I'm not talking the "Oops, I stepped on your toes, I'll be more careful next time."  No, these were full-sized anthills that I kicked up.

Although I would rather have the blunders back, the experience taught me a lot about the relationship between forgiveness, healing, and trust.

Did my wife forgive me?  I would say yes, almost immediately.  Does that mean that everything immediately went back to the way things were before my blunders?  Absolutely not.  Does that mean that she didn't forgive me?  Of course not.  Forgiveness was granted, but trust and healing take time.  It doesn't mean that forgiveness isn't there.  It just takes time to rebuild things.

Another way to look at it is to compare it to physical therapy.  Many years ago, I had the pleasure of a type three ankle sprain (swollen on both sides).  It was caused by a very quick collision, which was not on purpose.  But the fact that it was not on purpose did not take the pain away, nor did it immediately heal my ankle.  I went to physical therapy every week for a month to work through the pain and regain mobility.  I was also given exercises to do every night to help with the healing and recovery.

After working through the pain and the exercises and the struggles, my ankle was stronger than it was before it was injured.

I think the same can be true for our marriages.  Sometimes they can become stronger because of the pain and struggles.  Not that we should seek out painful experiences for ourselves (or, heaven forbid, for our spouse).  But these type of experiences will inevitably come as part of the experience of living in mortality.  As long as they are there, should we not use them to build ourselves and our marriages, to make them stronger than they were before?

Do You Want To Be An Awesome Husband?

Hopefully that question got your attention.  As much as I would like to take credit for the question, I must defer to Paul over at The Generous Husband.  This is a new series he is starting for 2013, and I am very eager to see what he has to say.

Would you like to be an awesome husband?  That is ultimately up to you.  It does not depend on your past choices, sins, background, or circumstances.  It doesn't even depend upon what your wife thinks of you (although I acknowledge that you, like myself, probably want your wife to think you are awesome).  Ultimately, being an awesome husband depends upon our choices, our attitude, and what the Lord thinks.

Intrigued yet?  Head on over to to The Generous Husband blog, and check out the 2013 Awesome Husband Project.  I want to be an awesome husband this year, and I hope that you do too!

The Power of Truth

I am prone to negative self-talk.  I do it so often that I'm not even aware of it most of the time.  And the things that I say to myself are very painful.  But being aware can bring powerful experiences.  I had one last night with the power of truth.

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." -John 8:32

I was able to reframe one negative thought by first looking at the truth and then turning the thought into a positive statement.

Lie: I am a sucky husband.
Truth: I am a good man who is the best husband he can be at this time, and is doing all he can to become a better one through therapy, learning, reading, and change.
Positive Statement: I am learning how to be a better husband.

Before any of you get thrown off by the "Positive Statement", let me say that I have always been very skeptical of the positive affirmation stuff that gets thrown around so heavily these days.  But a positive truthful statement has real power to it.  Saying the truth and the positive felt like a ray of light shined on me inside.  I indeed felt free from the negative voice, and the oppression and gloom it brings.  The truth was like a breath of fresh air, even a lungful after holding my breath for a long time.  It was like a bright light shining in the darkness, and allowing me to see clearly again, even if only for a few minutes.

The peace that this experience brought makes me want to try it again, and start weeding through the negative and deceitful thoughts that so often run through my head.  Words and thoughts have real power.

If you also struggle with negative self talk, I encourage you to give it a try.  If you truly feel like you struggle (as do I), don't say, "I am a good husband."  You won't believe it, and it won't work.  Instead, say, "I am learning how to be a better husband."  That is true, even if only by virtue of you being here.  The very fact that you are reading a blog about personal and marital healing means that you are learning how to do better.

The closer we come to the truth, the more clearly we will be able to see things as they are.

There Is Beauty All Around

Yes, I named this post after the first line of the popular hymn "Love at Home".  I know it's a little bit past Thanksgiving, but we should be looking for the beauty around us all year long, not just at the end of November.  I've been known to be ungrateful in the past, and I felt to post about some of the many sources of beauty that the Lord has placed all around us.

Let's start with some of the easy ones.

There is beauty in our Heavenly Father, and His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.  There is beauty in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  There is beauty in the atonement, which makes it possible for all of us to return to the presence of God.  There is beauty in repentance, which allows us to overcome our mistakes and choose a better way.

There is beauty in the scriptures.  There is beauty in the Holy Bible, both the Old and the New Testament.  There is beauty in the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ.  There is beauty in the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.  There is beauty in having a living prophet on the earth.  There is beauty in the Twelve Apostles, the other General Authorities, and our stake and ward/branch leaders.  There is beauty in the Aaronic and Melchezidek Priesthood, authority given to man to do the Lord's work on earth and help provide salvation to His children.

There is beauty in nature.  There is beauty in the grandeur of God's creations.  There is beauty in the mountains, the forests, the deserts, the plains.  There is beauty in the sun, the moon, the stars, and all of the planets that move in their regular motions.  There is beauty when our Creator paints a sunset in the sky each night.  There is beauty in the animals and the plants.

Now let's move on to some of the ones that sometimes feel like blessings, and sometimes feel like something else.  There is beauty in our families.  There is beauty in our parents, most of whom did their best to raise us as honest, upright people.  There is beauty in our spouse, even when we don't always get our way.  There is beauty in our children, each one a unique and precious soul learning their way here on the earth.

There is beauty in good, honest hard work.  There is beauty in being employed and providing for your family.  There is beauty in coming home content in a job well done.  There is beauty in having a roof over your head, no matter how humble it may be.  There is beauty in having enough food on the table and clothes on our backs.  There is beauty in modern conveniences, washers and driers, microwaves, computers, hot and cold running water, and indoor plumbing.

But we can go further still.  Some blessings are harder to see because they are more hidden.  There is beauty in pain, as it helps us to grow.  There is beauty in mistakes, which help us learn.  There is beauty in loneliness, for it helps us to appreciate friendship better.  There is beauty in sorrow, as it can open our heart to even greater joy if we allow it to.

There is beauty in trials, for He that is faithful will be with us every step of the way.  There is beauty in suffering, which helps us to find patience in the Lord's will.  There is beauty in delayed blessings, which teach us to trust His timing (no matter how hard that may be).  There is beauty in the darkness inside each one of us, for it humbles us and helps us to remember how very much we need Him.

Look for the beauty all around you, and you will surely find it.

Can Ye Feel So Now?

As I was pondering what to share today, the scriptures in Alma 5 came to mind.  The prophet Alma had just resigned his position as chief judge over the land so that he could devote himself completely to the work of the ministry.  His first stop on his missionary journey was the capital city of Zarahemla.  The people there were in a bit of a rough spot, and were not keeping the commandments of God as they ought to.  Alma later describes his personal feelings during this time as ones of "wading through much affliction and sorrow" (Alma 7:5).

Reviewing the chapter, Alma begins by reminding the people of how their fathers had been blessed by the Lord.  He then proceeds to ask them a large number of questions, inviting them to look upon their own hearts and ponder their commitment.  One of the questions in particular spoke to my soul as I pondered the current state of my marriage:

"And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?" -Alma 5:26

How many of us experienced a change of heart when we got married?  How many of us felt to sing the song of redeeming love on our wedding day?  I would wager that most (if not all) of us felt this way.  While I was dating my wife, I felt my heart turn toward her.  On our wedding day, I was overwhelmed with joy, love, happiness and the Spirit.

Now to Alma's question.  Can ye feel so now?

How are the feelings once the honeymoon period inevitably ends?  What about when you are tired and grumpy from caring for an infant at all hours of the day and night?  What about when work drains the very last drop of energy from your body before you get home?  What about when there are disagreements with no easy solution?  What about when challenges, trials, and heartaches come knocking at the door?

Can ye feel so now?

It is so very easy to get swept up in the day to day of our lives, and forget why we got married to our sweetheart in the first place.  I understand.  I've been there.  It's a hard place to be.  Sometimes the song of redeeming love and the change of heart can feel very far away indeed.

Can ye feel so now?  If not, there is a way back.

As always, the Lord has answers.  After Alma asks this important question, he directs us to prepare.  He then directs us to the One who can best help us to prepare, even the Lord Jesus Christ:

"Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you.  Yea, he saith: Come unto me and ye shall partake of the fruit of the tree of life; yea, ye shall eat and drink of the bread and the waters of life freely;"  -Alma 5:33-34

The Lord is ever ready to come to our assistance.  And the way to do so is simple (I say simple, not easy).  It is to repent, and return unto Him.  It is to go back to the basics.

Not feeling those loving feelings?  Go back to the basics that brought you those feelings in the first place!  Love is an action first, and a feeling second.  Become a student of your spouse.  Get to know them again.  Spend time doing enjoyable things together.  Pray together.  Study your scriptures together.  Laugh.  Play.  Get back to the simple things, and you can enjoy the simple blessings that are promised to the faithful.

Can ye feel so now?  If not, you can feel so again.  Begin today.  Pick one small thing, and do it.  You might be surprised at the results!

Framework

They have been doing construction at my work for the past couple of months.  Removing the old cubes and offices to make room for newer ones (I won't say improved, because I liked the old ones better, but I digress).

We were given plenty of notice when they were about to begin the first set of construction.  Still, I was surprised when I came in on a Monday morning to see a wooden wall blocking off the entrance to the section they were working on.  I was more surprised when I checked from another side, and found that the entire area had been gutted.  I had walked through the area on the previous Friday, and everything was normal, as I remembered it.  I was amazed at how quickly they could take everything down.

Building up the new area took the better part of a month.  I have actually moved into the new area temporarily, until they finish my final location.  The construction company has subsequently finished the second area, and moved on to the third.  I took a quick glance at the third construction area the other day, and saw that it was in the freshly gutted stage.  All of the cubicles, offices, and even the carpets are gone.  But the area is not entirely bare.  There are a handful of thick metal beams going from floor to ceiling, which support the level above.  These beams (I don't know the official construction term) form the framework upon which the new offices and cubicles will be built, and are an essential part of the structural integrity of the building.

In a previous post, I talked about the foundation on which marital and personal healing should be built.  Today, I want to talk a little bit more about where we go after we get a firm foundation.  As always, the Lord has given us direction on this through His holy prophets.  I will be taking my comments from the Family Proclamation:

"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." -The Family: A Proclamation to the World

If you have not yet read this inspired document, you can read the entire proclamation here.

Any of these principles could fill several blog posts.  Perhaps I will do a series on them at some point.  But for now, I wish to focus on two things:

1) These principles are based on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Christ is our foundation.  The teachings and principles that He gives to us are the framework.  Once we have our foundation, we need a strong and solid framework on which to build the rest of our marriage or personal life.  The teachings of the Master provide us with this framework.

2) Since these are principles, they are unchanging by their nature.

One of the great comforts I find in the Gospel is its unchanging nature.  Life changes and moves at an ever increasing pace.  Philosophies and teachings change almost as often as the weather.  Things that were once accepted by the greater community are being challenged, derided, and even sometimes discarded.  In the midst of all of this chaos, it is comforting to know that what the Lord has given us is unchanging and eternal.  A principle that is true today was true yesterday, and will be true tomorrow.  Thus, we can build our framework without fear of it becoming outdated.


Although I have focused my comments today on building and healing a marriage, these same principles will also do wonders in personal healing.

Take a moment or two today and review this list of principles.  Pick one that speaks to you, and strive to make it a bigger part of your life.  I promise that the Lord will bless you as you do so.

A Simple Question

I'm feeling a bit frazzled today, so today's thought will be a short one.  It is taken from a recent post from Corey over at Simple Marriage.  The post there is even shorter than this one, so I will share it in its entirety here:

Would you want to be married to you?

Please take a few moments to seriously ponder this question.  Oh, and if you are like me, you might want to do your pondering with the Lord in prayer.  This question should bring thoughtful reflection, not shame.

We need the family more than ever

Part of what lead me to create this blog was my discovery of the Christian marriage blogging community.  There are many wonderful people out there who are blogging about marriage and family, and are teaching the truth according to the principles found in the Bible.  Some of them are listed in the sidebar, should you be interested in reading them.  I highly recommend them.

Today's post is from Canadian writer Sheila Wray Gregoire's website To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.  She speaks about the increased need for strong families in today's world.  Here is an excerpt from the article:

"And so we need, more than ever, to have strong families. We need a buffer from the storm, and that is why God gave us each other. We need to commit to loving our families, commit to nurturing and growing our families, and commit to showing others what a true community looks like.
Two thousand years ago the Christians were able to do that because they loved each other, and through that love they were strong enough to help others."

You can read the whole article here.

Foundation

The other day, I was thinking about the movie "The Mountain of the Lord".  Specifically, I was thinking about the part of the movie where Johnston's army is approaching the city.  This requires the saints to bury the foundation of the temple to prevent the holy ground from being desecrated.  After the immediate threat of the army has passed, the foundation is exhumed so that the construction of the temple may continue.

Unfortunately, the foundation is discovered to have cracks in it, which will not support the weight of a granite temple.  Despondent, President Young vows not to move from the spot until he knows what he is to do.

Later in the day, Elder Woodruff comes to visit with President Young.  Elder Woodruff suggests a new plan of action.  The new approach will create a stable foundation, but will also require that the entire existing foundation be removed.  Nine years of labor have already been been put into the temple construction, and it will be necessary to start all over again.  This is indeed what is done.

There are several things that can be taken from this experience that apply to our marriages:

 1) Sometimes it is necessary to start over

Undoubtably, it was heartbreaking to throw away nine years of toil, sacrifice, blood, sweat, and tears.  And yet the purpose of the temple was to stand through the Millenium.  If they had continued to build on a damaged foundation, how long would it have been until the temple collapsed?  Then the foundation would still need to be removed, along with everything else that had collapsed on top of it.  They would have only been delaying the inevitable by trying to build on a damaged foundation.

Are there parts of our marriage that are build on a damaged foundation?  Have we built, expecting the other person to "complete us"?  Did we marry solely based on feelings of infatuation that have faded?  Are we relying on our own efforts too much?  Are there more serious issues, such as pornography, abuse, or an affair?  Are our marriages balanced precariously on a broken block of stone, nearing the point of collapse?

In many cases, a marriage may be on strong footings, and need only a small amount of renovation.  But sometimes all of the broken pieces need to come up so that a sure and strong foundation can be put in its place.  If you feel you are in this situation, please don't delay.  A broken foundation will not get better on its own.

2) Sometimes we need the help of other people

President Young was the prophet, and had spent a considerable amount of time praying and pondering on what to do.  But it was not until Elder Woodruff came and spoke with him that he was able to move forward with what needed to be done.

We are not sent to this earth to be alone in our struggles.  Prayerfully consider where you can turn to for help.  A loving bishop or a kind, supportive counselor can provide a listening ear and a helping hand.  You may also be able to find a mentor couple, who may have had similar experiences to yours.

I would be cautious about going to family or friends.  While they do care about you, they may be too close to the situation to provide an objective point of view.

The Lord knows your situation better than I do.  If you ask Him, He will direct you to someone who can help.  While the Lord can certainly meet all of our needs, He often works through other people.  He understands that sometimes we need to see the ear that is listening to us, and feel a physical hand of comfort on our shoulders.

3) Remember who your foundation is

I have saved the most important point for last.  We often look to others to be our foundation, whether it is our spouse, parent, friend, or leader.  While all of these people can be helpful, they cannot provide us with what we truly need.  The scriptures teach us where our foundation is to be found:

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God;  And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone.  Ephesians 2:19-20

Whether your foundation needs only a few bricks replaced, or a complete removal, be sure that you are built on the chief cornerstone.  Jesus loves you, and He very much wants your marriage to succeed.

Invincibility Is Not Good For Your Marriage

"I am strong and tough.  I can handle whatever life throws at me on my own.  I am self-reliant.  I don't need anyone else.  I am invincible!"



Does any of this sound familiar to you?  I know that I tell myself things like this all of the time.  I think there are many of us out there (especially men) who want to feel strong, powerful, and in control all of the time.  But I will let you in on a big secret.

It's a lie.

It really is.  No matter how much we may feel otherwise, no matter how much we don't want to admit it, we aren't invincible.  We are very mortal, weak, and sometimes even fragile inside.  That can be a hard blow to take.  The old ego doesn't like being told things like that.  But invincibility is actually a stumbling block in marriage.

A person that is invincible is also a person that can't be touched.  It's no fun trying to get a reaction out of a brick wall.  Sometimes he becomes a person that runs through or knocks over everything he comes in contact with.  That's no fun for those who have to live with him.  And being based on a lie, pretending to be invincible takes a lot of energy to maintain the lie.

And if we were truly invincible, we would have no need of the Lord in our lives.  And that kind of pretend invincibility is the most damaging of all, because it cuts us off from the only one who can truly make us strong.

I think most women would prefer a weak, occasionally stumbling man who is humble and repentant, to one who is "perfect" and untouchable.

Now I hear you saying, Mark, that is easier said than done!  I understand.  I created my own illusion of invincibility to protect myself from some deep hurt in my past.  But the shell it has created has pushed my wife away, and robbed both of us of the closeness that God intended us to have in our marriage.  Opening the shell is very uncomfortable.  In choosing to be vulnerable with my wife, I also have a fear of being shredded.  But that vulernability is the very thing that can bring us closer together.  When she truly knows me, she can love me for who I really am, rather than having to work around a shell.  This vulernability is still new to me, and it is still very uncomfortable.  But the closeness it has generated, even for a short time, has been well worth the risk.

So if you think you are invincible, or that you need to be, might I suggest that you think again?  Take some time to pray about it.  Ask your spouse which he/she would prefer: an invincible spouse or a vulernable spouse.  You might be surprised at the answer.