Do we "deserve" love?

I had a rough patch the other day.  As I was driving somewhere, I was pondering what more I needed to do to deserve love.  The Spirit stopped me with a soft, yet direct question: "Is love something that is deserved?"  I thought about it some.  Does Jesus love me because I deserve it?  What about my children?  Have they done something to deserve my love?  Is love a commodity that can be earned?

The truest and highest form of love is unconditional.  This is the kind of love that Heavenly Father and Jesus have for us.  As we read in the New Testament:

We love him, because he first loved us.  1 John 4:19

Ideally, this is also the kind of love that we show for our spouse and children.  That is, unconditional love.  I am not there yet, but I am striving to get there.

There is also another person that needs our unconditional love.  That is ourselves.  This one is even harder for me.  I struggle mightily to love myself, especially when I make mistakes.  And yet, the love that I feel for my family and others flows from the love I feel for myself.

I hope that I may draw closer to the Lord.  His love is unconditional and unending.  There is a limitless supply for all who will come unto Him:

Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price.  2 Nephi 9:50

May we feast upon His love, and then share it with those around us.

We need the family more than ever

Part of what lead me to create this blog was my discovery of the Christian marriage blogging community.  There are many wonderful people out there who are blogging about marriage and family, and are teaching the truth according to the principles found in the Bible.  Some of them are listed in the sidebar, should you be interested in reading them.  I highly recommend them.

Today's post is from Canadian writer Sheila Wray Gregoire's website To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.  She speaks about the increased need for strong families in today's world.  Here is an excerpt from the article:

"And so we need, more than ever, to have strong families. We need a buffer from the storm, and that is why God gave us each other. We need to commit to loving our families, commit to nurturing and growing our families, and commit to showing others what a true community looks like.
Two thousand years ago the Christians were able to do that because they loved each other, and through that love they were strong enough to help others."

You can read the whole article here.

Seeking for help

I injured my shoulder about a month and a half ago moving furniture.  It's been a little bit sore ever since.  Not sore enough to cause a lot of pain, but enough to be uncomfortable.  Enough to remind me that it is there.  Today I finally made an appointment to go and see the doctor, since it doesn't seem to be getting better on its own.

Although my immediate pain is physical, this also applies to emotional, mental, and spiritual pain.  Sometimes we have hurts that aren't so visible or obvious.  They don't hurt enough to stop us in our day to day lives, but they do make us uncomfortable.  They prevent us from functioning fully.  And just as a doctor can help me with my shoulder, loving leaders, mentors, friends, and the Holy Ghost can help us with our less visible pains.  We need others to help us in our need.

And above all, let us remember the Master Physician, who has the answers to all of our pains.  He knows exactly what you are feeling, because He experienced it Himself.  As Isaiah wrote:

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.  Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.  But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.  Isaiah 53:3-5

Come unto the Savior, and find sweet peace and reassurance at His feet.

More about foundations

As a follow-up from last night's post about foundation, this scripture came to mind:

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.  Helaman 5:12

Jesus is the only sure rock and foundation, for both our personal lives and our marriages.

Foundation

The other day, I was thinking about the movie "The Mountain of the Lord".  Specifically, I was thinking about the part of the movie where Johnston's army is approaching the city.  This requires the saints to bury the foundation of the temple to prevent the holy ground from being desecrated.  After the immediate threat of the army has passed, the foundation is exhumed so that the construction of the temple may continue.

Unfortunately, the foundation is discovered to have cracks in it, which will not support the weight of a granite temple.  Despondent, President Young vows not to move from the spot until he knows what he is to do.

Later in the day, Elder Woodruff comes to visit with President Young.  Elder Woodruff suggests a new plan of action.  The new approach will create a stable foundation, but will also require that the entire existing foundation be removed.  Nine years of labor have already been been put into the temple construction, and it will be necessary to start all over again.  This is indeed what is done.

There are several things that can be taken from this experience that apply to our marriages:

 1) Sometimes it is necessary to start over

Undoubtably, it was heartbreaking to throw away nine years of toil, sacrifice, blood, sweat, and tears.  And yet the purpose of the temple was to stand through the Millenium.  If they had continued to build on a damaged foundation, how long would it have been until the temple collapsed?  Then the foundation would still need to be removed, along with everything else that had collapsed on top of it.  They would have only been delaying the inevitable by trying to build on a damaged foundation.

Are there parts of our marriage that are build on a damaged foundation?  Have we built, expecting the other person to "complete us"?  Did we marry solely based on feelings of infatuation that have faded?  Are we relying on our own efforts too much?  Are there more serious issues, such as pornography, abuse, or an affair?  Are our marriages balanced precariously on a broken block of stone, nearing the point of collapse?

In many cases, a marriage may be on strong footings, and need only a small amount of renovation.  But sometimes all of the broken pieces need to come up so that a sure and strong foundation can be put in its place.  If you feel you are in this situation, please don't delay.  A broken foundation will not get better on its own.

2) Sometimes we need the help of other people

President Young was the prophet, and had spent a considerable amount of time praying and pondering on what to do.  But it was not until Elder Woodruff came and spoke with him that he was able to move forward with what needed to be done.

We are not sent to this earth to be alone in our struggles.  Prayerfully consider where you can turn to for help.  A loving bishop or a kind, supportive counselor can provide a listening ear and a helping hand.  You may also be able to find a mentor couple, who may have had similar experiences to yours.

I would be cautious about going to family or friends.  While they do care about you, they may be too close to the situation to provide an objective point of view.

The Lord knows your situation better than I do.  If you ask Him, He will direct you to someone who can help.  While the Lord can certainly meet all of our needs, He often works through other people.  He understands that sometimes we need to see the ear that is listening to us, and feel a physical hand of comfort on our shoulders.

3) Remember who your foundation is

I have saved the most important point for last.  We often look to others to be our foundation, whether it is our spouse, parent, friend, or leader.  While all of these people can be helpful, they cannot provide us with what we truly need.  The scriptures teach us where our foundation is to be found:

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God;  And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone.  Ephesians 2:19-20

Whether your foundation needs only a few bricks replaced, or a complete removal, be sure that you are built on the chief cornerstone.  Jesus loves you, and He very much wants your marriage to succeed.

My Soul Hungered

Today's post is based off of the story of Enos from the Book of Mormon.  Enos had a righteous, loving father who taught him the scriptures and the joy of the saints.  Enos recounts the following experience he had while out on a hunting trip:

And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.  Enos 1:4

Enos later spoke to his Lord about his people, the Nephites, and then his enemies, the Lamanites.  But that is not where he began his spiritual quest.  It began with himself, and his own relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  Only after his own guilt had been swept away was he able to reach out to those around him.

So it is in our lives.  I have tried to reach out to others in the Lord's way while carrying an inner emptiness.  And wouldn't you know it, it hasn't worked out particularly well.  It's not that my actions or even my desires are bad.  They are not.  I truly desire to help and bless other people.  But I must first fill my own bucket with water before I can contribute to another's bucket.

Having tried almost every other way, I have come to the conclusion that I must build and strengthen my own personal relationship with the Lord, Jesus Christ.  I need to come unto Him first and foremost.  I need to ensure that He is more important to me than anyone else.  Honestly, the thought is a little scary for me.  Even though I know that He knows everything about me, I feel nervous being that vulnerable before Him.  And yet, I also know that I cannot move forward to where I want to be personally or in my marriage without His help.

My soul hungers for a connection with Him.  I yearn to have my inner emptiness filled with His great love.  The following scripture comes to mind:

Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.  D&C 19:23

May the Lord fill me with peace and love.  Not only for my sake, but that I can then pass on these gifts to my loved ones in my family, as well as others to whom the Lord would have me minister.

Spiritual Nourishment From the Scriptures

"Immersion in the scriptures is essential for spiritual nourishment.  The word of God inspires commitment and acts as a healing balm for hurt feelings, anger, or disillusionment."

—Quentin L. Cook, "Can Ye Feel So Now?", Liahona and Ensign, November 2012


I can't think of a better way to sum up what is needed for both personal and marital healing.  There is great power in the scriptures.  Even holding them helps me to feel better.  More so when I open them and immerse myself in their contents.

I once heard it said that if we want to talk to God, we should pray, and if we want to listen to God, we should read the scriptures.  May it be so, and may our spirits be well nourished!

Invincibility Is Not Good For Your Marriage

"I am strong and tough.  I can handle whatever life throws at me on my own.  I am self-reliant.  I don't need anyone else.  I am invincible!"



Does any of this sound familiar to you?  I know that I tell myself things like this all of the time.  I think there are many of us out there (especially men) who want to feel strong, powerful, and in control all of the time.  But I will let you in on a big secret.

It's a lie.

It really is.  No matter how much we may feel otherwise, no matter how much we don't want to admit it, we aren't invincible.  We are very mortal, weak, and sometimes even fragile inside.  That can be a hard blow to take.  The old ego doesn't like being told things like that.  But invincibility is actually a stumbling block in marriage.

A person that is invincible is also a person that can't be touched.  It's no fun trying to get a reaction out of a brick wall.  Sometimes he becomes a person that runs through or knocks over everything he comes in contact with.  That's no fun for those who have to live with him.  And being based on a lie, pretending to be invincible takes a lot of energy to maintain the lie.

And if we were truly invincible, we would have no need of the Lord in our lives.  And that kind of pretend invincibility is the most damaging of all, because it cuts us off from the only one who can truly make us strong.

I think most women would prefer a weak, occasionally stumbling man who is humble and repentant, to one who is "perfect" and untouchable.

Now I hear you saying, Mark, that is easier said than done!  I understand.  I created my own illusion of invincibility to protect myself from some deep hurt in my past.  But the shell it has created has pushed my wife away, and robbed both of us of the closeness that God intended us to have in our marriage.  Opening the shell is very uncomfortable.  In choosing to be vulnerable with my wife, I also have a fear of being shredded.  But that vulernability is the very thing that can bring us closer together.  When she truly knows me, she can love me for who I really am, rather than having to work around a shell.  This vulernability is still new to me, and it is still very uncomfortable.  But the closeness it has generated, even for a short time, has been well worth the risk.

So if you think you are invincible, or that you need to be, might I suggest that you think again?  Take some time to pray about it.  Ask your spouse which he/she would prefer: an invincible spouse or a vulernable spouse.  You might be surprised at the answer.

A New Approach

After some pondering and prayer this week, I've decided to set up a new approach in presenting content on this blog (at least for the time being).  I see two main parts to the healing I am working on currently.  First, I am working on healing and improving my relationship with the Lord.  Second, I am working on healing and improving my relationship with my wife.  Both of them are similar in some ways, but they are different enough that each deserve some "air time".  Also, I imagine that there are individuals who are struggling with one or both areas in their own lives.

So I am planning on posting at least twice a week: one for personal healing and one for marital healing.  I may also toss in an inspirational quote or a link to other blogs here and there, but the main focus will be on the two types of healing I am working on in my life.

Blowing off the dust

Perhaps a daily posting schedule was a tad ambitious.  Many things have happened since I last posted here.  My wife and I celebrated our 10th anniversary.  Our children had birthdays.  We started attending couple therapy.  I gave up playing computer games.

Each of these could be worthy of their own posting, and perhaps I will post about them individually in the near future.  But for now, I wanted to clear off the dust, remove the mothballs, and bring this blog back to life.

I follow a number of Christian marriage blogs, and I have learned many useful things from them.  As I have reviewed them, I've noticed two things.  First, most of the bloggers are women.  I think women are wonderful, and value their perspective.  However, I would like to hear more from the male persepective.  Secondly, there are very few blogs from an LDS perspective.  Again, I have learned many things from my other Christian friends.  However, I feel that there are many others of my faith who may be in a similar position to mine, and would benefit from the viewpoint of a "fellow Saint".

Most importantly, I have felt the whisperings of the Holy Spirit encouraging me to start up my blogging again.  Whether male or female, sharer of my specific faith or fellow believer in Christ, it is my prayer to bring hope, comfort, and encouragement to those who are struggling in their marriages, and hope to improve them through the Lord.