Showing posts with label Personal Healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal Healing. Show all posts
Friday, August 8, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
The Marriage Triangle
Now for the second half of what I have been working on. In addition to rebuilding the emotional relationship with my wife, I am also rebuilding the spiritual relationship with the Lord. Of the two relationships, the one with the Lord is the more important of the two. And it also helps the relationship with the wife.
I've found it helpful to think of the marriage relationship as a triangle. The Lord is at the top corner of the triangle, and me and my wife are at the two bottom corners.
As my wife and I draw closer to the Lord, we also naturally draw closer to each other. This is when things are working the best. Emotional and spiritual needs are both being met from the proper sources. The primary source is the Lord, but our spouse is also able to give and receive much from us.
Alas, much of my relationship has been an obtuse triangle rather than an equilateral one (no wisecracks are needed about who is the obtuse one. I already know). An obtuse triangle is ot a very good relationship triangle, is it? But in order to get closer to my wife, I can't just heal my relationship with her: I also need to heal my relationship with the Lord. In fact, this healing needs to come first. Trust me, I know. I've tried to do it the other way for enough years, that I can testify that it doesn't work. As I draw closer to the Lord, I will also naturally draw closer to my wife.
It reminds me of what President Ezra Taft Benson said: "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." Nowhere else is this more true than in our relationship with our spouse. As we have a better relationship with the Lord, so will we have a better relationship with our beloved.
I've found it helpful to think of the marriage relationship as a triangle. The Lord is at the top corner of the triangle, and me and my wife are at the two bottom corners.
As my wife and I draw closer to the Lord, we also naturally draw closer to each other. This is when things are working the best. Emotional and spiritual needs are both being met from the proper sources. The primary source is the Lord, but our spouse is also able to give and receive much from us.
Alas, much of my relationship has been an obtuse triangle rather than an equilateral one (no wisecracks are needed about who is the obtuse one. I already know). An obtuse triangle is ot a very good relationship triangle, is it? But in order to get closer to my wife, I can't just heal my relationship with her: I also need to heal my relationship with the Lord. In fact, this healing needs to come first. Trust me, I know. I've tried to do it the other way for enough years, that I can testify that it doesn't work. As I draw closer to the Lord, I will also naturally draw closer to my wife.
It reminds me of what President Ezra Taft Benson said: "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." Nowhere else is this more true than in our relationship with our spouse. As we have a better relationship with the Lord, so will we have a better relationship with our beloved.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Emotional Healing Comes First
Note: I created the original draft of this post in January 2013, but never got around to actually posting it. I am posting it unchanged, as the things it says are just as relevant and true today as they were 16 months ago.
When I started this blog, I promised that I would share some of my personal story of healing through the Lord. And yet, I have noticed that most of my posts have been at a higher level. In an attempt to follow through on what I promised, I'm going to start sharing some of my personal healing.
I've pondered many ways in which I could rebuild things in my marriage with my wife. I've tried various things, most of which haven't worked very well, or haven't lasted for very long.
I recently realized that I've been putting too much focus on what I eventually want from my relationship with my wife. I haven't put enough energy into the relationship itself. A classic case of putting the cart before the horse. Because if the relationship itself is strong, then the things that I desire from the relationship will follow naturally. But the reverse is not true. And if I focus too much on what I want from the relationship, my wife will pick up on that, and it will actually set healing back. It makes it feel like my efforts to improve things are coming with strings attached, and nobody wants that.
After fasting, I felt that I needed to focus exclusively on building the emotional relationship with my wife, without any regard for the physical relationship. And by physical, I don't mean just sexual. I mean other things, such as hugs, kisses, cuddling, the whole nine yards. In fact, there is just one spot where I know it is "safe" to touch my wife right now: her hand.
If this sounds like I am starting over in my relationship, you would be right. In many ways, it is like starting over again. Is this difficult? You bet. But it beats doing the same thing that I've been trying for the past ten years, and receiving the same results that I have been for the past ten years.
And the results don't take ten years to see, either. Even in just the week or so that I've been focusing (truly focusing) on rebuilding the emotional, I have seen healing. And I have also been able to share some physical affection beyond touching hands. But that hasn't been the focus, which has made it all the more sweet. Because it has flowed naturally, rather than feeling forced.
If you're not happy with where your relationship is, please take it to the Lord. He will help you to know where to go next. He may not let you know immediately. It's taken me many months of personal healing, prayer, and recovery to get to this point. But rest assured, God loves you, He is keenly interested in you, your spouse, and your marriage, and He will help you to heal as you are patient and wait on His time.
When I started this blog, I promised that I would share some of my personal story of healing through the Lord. And yet, I have noticed that most of my posts have been at a higher level. In an attempt to follow through on what I promised, I'm going to start sharing some of my personal healing.
I've pondered many ways in which I could rebuild things in my marriage with my wife. I've tried various things, most of which haven't worked very well, or haven't lasted for very long.
I recently realized that I've been putting too much focus on what I eventually want from my relationship with my wife. I haven't put enough energy into the relationship itself. A classic case of putting the cart before the horse. Because if the relationship itself is strong, then the things that I desire from the relationship will follow naturally. But the reverse is not true. And if I focus too much on what I want from the relationship, my wife will pick up on that, and it will actually set healing back. It makes it feel like my efforts to improve things are coming with strings attached, and nobody wants that.
After fasting, I felt that I needed to focus exclusively on building the emotional relationship with my wife, without any regard for the physical relationship. And by physical, I don't mean just sexual. I mean other things, such as hugs, kisses, cuddling, the whole nine yards. In fact, there is just one spot where I know it is "safe" to touch my wife right now: her hand.
If this sounds like I am starting over in my relationship, you would be right. In many ways, it is like starting over again. Is this difficult? You bet. But it beats doing the same thing that I've been trying for the past ten years, and receiving the same results that I have been for the past ten years.
And the results don't take ten years to see, either. Even in just the week or so that I've been focusing (truly focusing) on rebuilding the emotional, I have seen healing. And I have also been able to share some physical affection beyond touching hands. But that hasn't been the focus, which has made it all the more sweet. Because it has flowed naturally, rather than feeling forced.
If you're not happy with where your relationship is, please take it to the Lord. He will help you to know where to go next. He may not let you know immediately. It's taken me many months of personal healing, prayer, and recovery to get to this point. But rest assured, God loves you, He is keenly interested in you, your spouse, and your marriage, and He will help you to heal as you are patient and wait on His time.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Acting Like a Married Man
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| Image credit - www.dreamstime.com |
I had an interesting revelation the other day. I was pondering the way I was living, the things I was doing in my spare time, and some of my thought processes. I realized that I have been living like a single man. Strange that it should take me eleven years to figure that out.
I also realized that this way of living is not the most conducive to a happy and fulfilling family life. Surely this way of thinking is not pleasing to the Lord, and it is certainly not attractive to my wife, nor a good example for my children.
If I am honest with myself, this is not really news to me. Deep down inside, I knew that I haven't fully been living as I should. I am not a single man anymore, and it is time I stop acting like it. It is time for me to live like a married man.
I also had the thought that if I start living as a married man, perhaps I will be treated as a married man. But even if not, I will still feel better, because I will not have the guilt and shame that I carry as a result of not living as I know I should. The Lord will approve of my efforts to change and improve, regardless of how or if others respond.
It's time for me to live as a married man.
Monday, February 18, 2013
At the Crossroads
I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life. It's been awhile since I reached one. There are three paths available to me.
One path leads to the realization of all of my hopes and dreams, both for myself and for my marriage.
One path leads onward the same way I have been going, which is a lonely place of mostly solitary travel.
One path leads backward to some of the things that I have left behind, which still whisper to me and beckon for me to return to them.
From where I stand, the paths look identical. It will take some travel on each one before I can see the destination. And once I am far enough to see the destination, the crossroads will be past my reach.
Deep down in my heart, I know the things that I need to do. They are simple to understand (although that does not necessarily make them easy). I pray that I may follow the promptings of the Spirit, so that I may choose the correct path, the one that will lead me to the things which God desires for me.
Image credit: http://www.dreamstime.com/
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Correcting in Anger...or Love?
How many of you struggle with a critical inner voice? You know the kind I mean. The one that is constantly telling you that you suck, that you don't deserve good things in your life, that your best efforts will never be good enough.
I hear that voice often in my life. It points out all of my mistakes, and it puts me through the wringer for them. It saps away my energy, and leaves me an empty husk. More than anything, it gives me cause to harp on myself for almost every mistake I make, big or small.
Now I am all about improvement and becoming more like our Savior. That is a big part of this life. But I have learned (or at least am trying to learn) that correcting myself in anger doesn't work. It just doesn't!
How many of you have kids? How well does it go when you correct them in anger? If it's anything like with my kids, it creates hurt feelings and tears. It doesn't work any better when I turn it on myself. I've been ripping myself to shreds for years, and it hasn't worked.
According to Albert Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result. Continuing to rip myself to shreds will bring more of the same result. It's time to try something different. It's time to try love.
I'm learning that my internal self-perception is flawed. At some level, my inner critical voice tells me that I am bad, flawed, terrible, etc. If I can change that perception, that paradigm, I can change my world. But until I do, no one will be able to get through to me, and I will be unable to receive the love that is there for me. It's time to try something else. It's time to view myself as the Lord sees me.
When the Lord speaks about "all men" and "all ye ends of the earth", He is including me. And He is including you. Even when we feel otherwise. We can love Him, because "He first loved us." (1 John 4:19). This is His promise to you. And to me.
I hear that voice often in my life. It points out all of my mistakes, and it puts me through the wringer for them. It saps away my energy, and leaves me an empty husk. More than anything, it gives me cause to harp on myself for almost every mistake I make, big or small.
Now I am all about improvement and becoming more like our Savior. That is a big part of this life. But I have learned (or at least am trying to learn) that correcting myself in anger doesn't work. It just doesn't!
How many of you have kids? How well does it go when you correct them in anger? If it's anything like with my kids, it creates hurt feelings and tears. It doesn't work any better when I turn it on myself. I've been ripping myself to shreds for years, and it hasn't worked.
According to Albert Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result. Continuing to rip myself to shreds will bring more of the same result. It's time to try something different. It's time to try love.
I'm learning that my internal self-perception is flawed. At some level, my inner critical voice tells me that I am bad, flawed, terrible, etc. If I can change that perception, that paradigm, I can change my world. But until I do, no one will be able to get through to me, and I will be unable to receive the love that is there for me. It's time to try something else. It's time to view myself as the Lord sees me.
"He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation...He saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price." -2 Nephi 26:24-25
When the Lord speaks about "all men" and "all ye ends of the earth", He is including me. And He is including you. Even when we feel otherwise. We can love Him, because "He first loved us." (1 John 4:19). This is His promise to you. And to me.
Monday, February 4, 2013
A Lesson from Pain
Last week, I had an opportunity to learn a lesson from pain. I went in on Wednesday to have earwax removed from my ears. I have this done every so often, as it builds up fast enough that I eventually become unable to hear (no comments about "ears to hear" from the peanut gallery, please). I went in, and in the process of removing the wax, I was reminded about my weak eardrums in a most unpleasant way. I had a small rupture in my left eardrum.
Now it was only a small rupture, but that is neither here nor there when it come to eardrums (perhaps that should be "neither hear nor there", but I digress). I had a period of strong dizziness and pain, which mostly passed, and I went back to work. About an hour later, the pain returned. And this is not your standard scraped finger or bruise, or even slamming into a door. This was pain that was a 7 or 8 on my 10 point pain scale.
As I sat there at my desk, hardly able to even think, and wanting to curl up into the fetal position, I prayed. And my prayer was a most unusual one for me. "Heavenly Father, what would you have me learn from this pain?" As I said, most unusual. My normal prayer in this situation would be, "Heavenly Father, please remove this pain, and as quickly as possible!"
The Lord did answer my prayer. One of the most important things I learned from this experience was compassion. Compassion for those who suffer. Compassion for my children when they get leg cramps. Compassion for my wife in her struggles. And if I listen very closely to the Spirit, I can even find a little compassion for myself.
I find this compassion to be a very valuable gift, well worth a couple of hours of intense pain.
Now it was only a small rupture, but that is neither here nor there when it come to eardrums (perhaps that should be "neither hear nor there", but I digress). I had a period of strong dizziness and pain, which mostly passed, and I went back to work. About an hour later, the pain returned. And this is not your standard scraped finger or bruise, or even slamming into a door. This was pain that was a 7 or 8 on my 10 point pain scale.
As I sat there at my desk, hardly able to even think, and wanting to curl up into the fetal position, I prayed. And my prayer was a most unusual one for me. "Heavenly Father, what would you have me learn from this pain?" As I said, most unusual. My normal prayer in this situation would be, "Heavenly Father, please remove this pain, and as quickly as possible!"
The Lord did answer my prayer. One of the most important things I learned from this experience was compassion. Compassion for those who suffer. Compassion for my children when they get leg cramps. Compassion for my wife in her struggles. And if I listen very closely to the Spirit, I can even find a little compassion for myself.
I find this compassion to be a very valuable gift, well worth a couple of hours of intense pain.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Perfection - A Short Thought
Inspiration and truth can be found in the most unusual places. I am an avid racquetball player, and I was surfing some racquetball web sites the other day. On one of them, I came across a "Tip of the Day" from racquetball coach Jim Winterton. His tip for January 15th was very profound:
"Perfection-it is a blessing and a curse. If your goal is to be perfect, you will always fail. If your goal is to strive to be perfect, you may succeed! The difference between those two things is forgiveness of an error and keeping your mind in the present, not the past!" -Jim Winterton
This is very good advice for racquetball players. And it is also one of the best explanations I have ever heard about how we should strive for perfection.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
The Power of Truth
I am prone to negative self-talk. I do it so often that I'm not even aware of it most of the time. And the things that I say to myself are very painful. But being aware can bring powerful experiences. I had one last night with the power of truth.
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." -John 8:32
I was able to reframe one negative thought by first looking at the truth and then turning the thought into a positive statement.
Lie: I am a sucky husband.
Truth: I am a good man who is the best husband he can be at this time, and is doing all he can to become a better one through therapy, learning, reading, and change.
Positive Statement: I am learning how to be a better husband.
Before any of you get thrown off by the "Positive Statement", let me say that I have always been very skeptical of the positive affirmation stuff that gets thrown around so heavily these days. But a positive truthful statement has real power to it. Saying the truth and the positive felt like a ray of light shined on me inside. I indeed felt free from the negative voice, and the oppression and gloom it brings. The truth was like a breath of fresh air, even a lungful after holding my breath for a long time. It was like a bright light shining in the darkness, and allowing me to see clearly again, even if only for a few minutes.
The peace that this experience brought makes me want to try it again, and start weeding through the negative and deceitful thoughts that so often run through my head. Words and thoughts have real power.
If you also struggle with negative self talk, I encourage you to give it a try. If you truly feel like you struggle (as do I), don't say, "I am a good husband." You won't believe it, and it won't work. Instead, say, "I am learning how to be a better husband." That is true, even if only by virtue of you being here. The very fact that you are reading a blog about personal and marital healing means that you are learning how to do better.
The closer we come to the truth, the more clearly we will be able to see things as they are.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Pray
The tragic shooting in Connecticut this past week has been on my mind, as I'm sure it has been on many of yours. As I see these and other challenging situations faced by people across the world, it is sometimes hard. I wonder if there is anything I can do to help.
And there is. There is something all of us can do. It is as simple as kneeling, folding our arms, bowing our heads, and praying to our Heavenly Father. There is great power in prayer. I know that He hears each and every prayer, and He blesses those for whom we pray.
And prayers need not be only for distant situations or unfamiliar people. Some of those who need our prayers the most live in our own home. And the example we set will be noticed by our children.
I had a poignant experience with the power of prayer and the way our children follow our example. Just before dinner last night, my son started having stomach pains. It was bad enough that he skipped out of dinner and went to lay down on the couch. As my two daughters came to dinner, my oldest announced that she had been in her room praying for her brother, and that her little sister had been in there with her listening to the prayer. At this point, my son piped up from the couch that he had also said a prayer for himself.
My heart was filled with deep gratitude and joy for my children. It is a great comfort for me to know that my children know where to turn when they are facing challenges, or when a family member needs extra help. This will be a great blessing to them, all of their lives.
And there is. There is something all of us can do. It is as simple as kneeling, folding our arms, bowing our heads, and praying to our Heavenly Father. There is great power in prayer. I know that He hears each and every prayer, and He blesses those for whom we pray.
And prayers need not be only for distant situations or unfamiliar people. Some of those who need our prayers the most live in our own home. And the example we set will be noticed by our children.
I had a poignant experience with the power of prayer and the way our children follow our example. Just before dinner last night, my son started having stomach pains. It was bad enough that he skipped out of dinner and went to lay down on the couch. As my two daughters came to dinner, my oldest announced that she had been in her room praying for her brother, and that her little sister had been in there with her listening to the prayer. At this point, my son piped up from the couch that he had also said a prayer for himself.
My heart was filled with deep gratitude and joy for my children. It is a great comfort for me to know that my children know where to turn when they are facing challenges, or when a family member needs extra help. This will be a great blessing to them, all of their lives.
Monday, December 10, 2012
The Miracles of Technology
We truly live in an amazing day and age. I recently traded in my old cell phone that I've had for almost three years for a smart phone. It has been a lot of fun to tinker with it and check out the various apps that are available for it.
One of the first ones that I downloaded was Gospel Library, which was created by the church. After installing the app, I went in to the program and downloaded the scriptures. It took about five minutes total.
Think about that. Five minutes.
Five minutes to get the revealed word of God onto a device the size of the palm of my hand. A device that wasn't connected to anything, but received the information through the air!
Five minutes to get scriptures that took thousands of years to collect in their current form.
Five minutes to have access to the words of the prophets from all ages and dispensations.
It helped me to realize and remember what a great blessing it is to live in a time when great advances have been made to both technology and truth. We are the recipients of a precious gift. We have access to God's word in ways that weren't dreamed of, even when I was a child!
Let us be sure to use these tools wisely. Technology is a powerful tool, but only if it is used correctly. Let us use our increased access to the Word to become more familiar with it.
It would help all of us to spend a little less time in Angry Birds and a little more time in the scriptures.
One of the first ones that I downloaded was Gospel Library, which was created by the church. After installing the app, I went in to the program and downloaded the scriptures. It took about five minutes total.
Think about that. Five minutes.
Five minutes to get the revealed word of God onto a device the size of the palm of my hand. A device that wasn't connected to anything, but received the information through the air!
Five minutes to get scriptures that took thousands of years to collect in their current form.
Five minutes to have access to the words of the prophets from all ages and dispensations.
It helped me to realize and remember what a great blessing it is to live in a time when great advances have been made to both technology and truth. We are the recipients of a precious gift. We have access to God's word in ways that weren't dreamed of, even when I was a child!
Let us be sure to use these tools wisely. Technology is a powerful tool, but only if it is used correctly. Let us use our increased access to the Word to become more familiar with it.
It would help all of us to spend a little less time in Angry Birds and a little more time in the scriptures.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
And God Said "No"
As I have progressed in my healing, I have started actually looking at my own needs and wants, instead of pretending that they don't exist (which doesn't work out too well, by the way). I have prayed and pondered about many of them, and I have asked Heavenly Father for some of them in prayer. I have received many good things, and I am taking better care of myself than I have in years.
But that doesn't mean I've received everything that I've asked for. Sometimes Heavenly Father has a different answer for me.
Sometimes God says "No."
Are those my favorite prayers? Definitely not. But they are, perhaps, some of the most valuable ones.
I asked for something particularly difficult a week or so ago, and waited to see the results. Several things happened during the week which made God's answer very clear to me. And the answer was "No."
Usually, I pull a toddler act at this point. You know the deal, cry, throw yourself on the ground, have a temper tantrum, the usual. And it works about as well for me as it does for the typical toddler.
I've tried to take a different approach this time. Not for all of the "No" answers, but for this particular one. I have tried to humble myself before God and accept His will, even though it is not what I wanted. I've tried to accept His will in prayer.
And it has worked out okay.
In fact, my eyes have been opened in the days since I attempted to pray with humility to accept His will. I've seen several other things that have shown me why His answer to me is a "No" at this time. And I'm okay with it.
As hard as it may seem to be, sometimes a "No" is the most loving answer for everyone involved.
But that doesn't mean I've received everything that I've asked for. Sometimes Heavenly Father has a different answer for me.
Sometimes God says "No."
Are those my favorite prayers? Definitely not. But they are, perhaps, some of the most valuable ones.
I asked for something particularly difficult a week or so ago, and waited to see the results. Several things happened during the week which made God's answer very clear to me. And the answer was "No."
Usually, I pull a toddler act at this point. You know the deal, cry, throw yourself on the ground, have a temper tantrum, the usual. And it works about as well for me as it does for the typical toddler.
I've tried to take a different approach this time. Not for all of the "No" answers, but for this particular one. I have tried to humble myself before God and accept His will, even though it is not what I wanted. I've tried to accept His will in prayer.
And it has worked out okay.
In fact, my eyes have been opened in the days since I attempted to pray with humility to accept His will. I've seen several other things that have shown me why His answer to me is a "No" at this time. And I'm okay with it.
As hard as it may seem to be, sometimes a "No" is the most loving answer for everyone involved.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
There Is Beauty All Around
Yes, I named this post after the first line of the popular hymn "Love at Home". I know it's a little bit past Thanksgiving, but we should be looking for the beauty around us all year long, not just at the end of November. I've been known to be ungrateful in the past, and I felt to post about some of the many sources of beauty that the Lord has placed all around us.
Let's start with some of the easy ones.
There is beauty in our Heavenly Father, and His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. There is beauty in the gospel of Jesus Christ. There is beauty in the atonement, which makes it possible for all of us to return to the presence of God. There is beauty in repentance, which allows us to overcome our mistakes and choose a better way.
There is beauty in the scriptures. There is beauty in the Holy Bible, both the Old and the New Testament. There is beauty in the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. There is beauty in the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. There is beauty in having a living prophet on the earth. There is beauty in the Twelve Apostles, the other General Authorities, and our stake and ward/branch leaders. There is beauty in the Aaronic and Melchezidek Priesthood, authority given to man to do the Lord's work on earth and help provide salvation to His children.
There is beauty in nature. There is beauty in the grandeur of God's creations. There is beauty in the mountains, the forests, the deserts, the plains. There is beauty in the sun, the moon, the stars, and all of the planets that move in their regular motions. There is beauty when our Creator paints a sunset in the sky each night. There is beauty in the animals and the plants.
Now let's move on to some of the ones that sometimes feel like blessings, and sometimes feel like something else. There is beauty in our families. There is beauty in our parents, most of whom did their best to raise us as honest, upright people. There is beauty in our spouse, even when we don't always get our way. There is beauty in our children, each one a unique and precious soul learning their way here on the earth.
There is beauty in good, honest hard work. There is beauty in being employed and providing for your family. There is beauty in coming home content in a job well done. There is beauty in having a roof over your head, no matter how humble it may be. There is beauty in having enough food on the table and clothes on our backs. There is beauty in modern conveniences, washers and driers, microwaves, computers, hot and cold running water, and indoor plumbing.
But we can go further still. Some blessings are harder to see because they are more hidden. There is beauty in pain, as it helps us to grow. There is beauty in mistakes, which help us learn. There is beauty in loneliness, for it helps us to appreciate friendship better. There is beauty in sorrow, as it can open our heart to even greater joy if we allow it to.
There is beauty in trials, for He that is faithful will be with us every step of the way. There is beauty in suffering, which helps us to find patience in the Lord's will. There is beauty in delayed blessings, which teach us to trust His timing (no matter how hard that may be). There is beauty in the darkness inside each one of us, for it humbles us and helps us to remember how very much we need Him.
Look for the beauty all around you, and you will surely find it.
Let's start with some of the easy ones.
There is beauty in our Heavenly Father, and His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. There is beauty in the gospel of Jesus Christ. There is beauty in the atonement, which makes it possible for all of us to return to the presence of God. There is beauty in repentance, which allows us to overcome our mistakes and choose a better way.
There is beauty in the scriptures. There is beauty in the Holy Bible, both the Old and the New Testament. There is beauty in the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. There is beauty in the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. There is beauty in having a living prophet on the earth. There is beauty in the Twelve Apostles, the other General Authorities, and our stake and ward/branch leaders. There is beauty in the Aaronic and Melchezidek Priesthood, authority given to man to do the Lord's work on earth and help provide salvation to His children.
There is beauty in nature. There is beauty in the grandeur of God's creations. There is beauty in the mountains, the forests, the deserts, the plains. There is beauty in the sun, the moon, the stars, and all of the planets that move in their regular motions. There is beauty when our Creator paints a sunset in the sky each night. There is beauty in the animals and the plants.
Now let's move on to some of the ones that sometimes feel like blessings, and sometimes feel like something else. There is beauty in our families. There is beauty in our parents, most of whom did their best to raise us as honest, upright people. There is beauty in our spouse, even when we don't always get our way. There is beauty in our children, each one a unique and precious soul learning their way here on the earth.
There is beauty in good, honest hard work. There is beauty in being employed and providing for your family. There is beauty in coming home content in a job well done. There is beauty in having a roof over your head, no matter how humble it may be. There is beauty in having enough food on the table and clothes on our backs. There is beauty in modern conveniences, washers and driers, microwaves, computers, hot and cold running water, and indoor plumbing.
But we can go further still. Some blessings are harder to see because they are more hidden. There is beauty in pain, as it helps us to grow. There is beauty in mistakes, which help us learn. There is beauty in loneliness, for it helps us to appreciate friendship better. There is beauty in sorrow, as it can open our heart to even greater joy if we allow it to.
There is beauty in trials, for He that is faithful will be with us every step of the way. There is beauty in suffering, which helps us to find patience in the Lord's will. There is beauty in delayed blessings, which teach us to trust His timing (no matter how hard that may be). There is beauty in the darkness inside each one of us, for it humbles us and helps us to remember how very much we need Him.
Look for the beauty all around you, and you will surely find it.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Put On Your Own Mask First
I assume most of you have travelled on an airline at some point in your lives. At the beginning of every flight, they have a safety briefing. As part of the briefing, the flight attendant demonstrates how the oxygen mask should be used in the event of cabin pressure failing. They also indicate that you should put on your own mask before assisting others.
I remember feeling a bit put out about this when I was a child. Why should I suffer needlessly in the event of an emergency? Shouldn't my parents help me with my mask first? It just didn't seem fair!
With age comes wisdom (hopefully). I now understand why my parents would need to put their own mask on first. If they failed to do so, they would risk their own safety, and would then be unable to help me or anyone else.
It is the same way in our own lives and in our marriages. When I am tired and worn out from doing too much for too long with too little help, the last thing I feel like doing is being kind to my wife and children. When I've been burning the candle at both ends, I am less effective at work, as well as less pleasant to be around. When I've stayed up late for one too many nights, I don't particularly feel like going to church, or volunteering for the next service project.
I could go on, but I think I have made my point sufficiently clear. One of my favorite sayings is, you can't draw water from an empty well. It's also difficult to draw feeling from an empty emotional bank account.
Also, this energy can't come from outside of you. It is something you need to develop on your own. The parable of the Ten Virgins comes to mind:
If you are like me, and are running low on oil, I challenge you to make some time now to do something about it. Notice that I said make time, not take time. If you wait for the time to come on your own, you will never do it. You must make time for it. And don't give me the excuse about it being "selfish". As my wife's therapist says, "Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's smart!"
I will provide a few suggestions here. Obviously, I don't know you, and I can't tell you what will bring renewal and refreshment for you. But this can hopefully at least get you started thinking:
I remember feeling a bit put out about this when I was a child. Why should I suffer needlessly in the event of an emergency? Shouldn't my parents help me with my mask first? It just didn't seem fair!
With age comes wisdom (hopefully). I now understand why my parents would need to put their own mask on first. If they failed to do so, they would risk their own safety, and would then be unable to help me or anyone else.
It is the same way in our own lives and in our marriages. When I am tired and worn out from doing too much for too long with too little help, the last thing I feel like doing is being kind to my wife and children. When I've been burning the candle at both ends, I am less effective at work, as well as less pleasant to be around. When I've stayed up late for one too many nights, I don't particularly feel like going to church, or volunteering for the next service project.
I could go on, but I think I have made my point sufficiently clear. One of my favorite sayings is, you can't draw water from an empty well. It's also difficult to draw feeling from an empty emotional bank account.
Also, this energy can't come from outside of you. It is something you need to develop on your own. The parable of the Ten Virgins comes to mind:
"Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves." -Matthew 25:1-9Usually, this parable is used to describe spiritual preparedness, but I feel that it applies equally well to emotional energy and self-care. The five wise virgins were not being stingy with their oil. Indeed, the kind of oil can't be shared. How can you share experiences that renew you and fill you up? How can you share the benefits of exercise, good nutrition, and adequate sleep? Each must find this kind of emotional oil for themselves.
If you are like me, and are running low on oil, I challenge you to make some time now to do something about it. Notice that I said make time, not take time. If you wait for the time to come on your own, you will never do it. You must make time for it. And don't give me the excuse about it being "selfish". As my wife's therapist says, "Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's smart!"
I will provide a few suggestions here. Obviously, I don't know you, and I can't tell you what will bring renewal and refreshment for you. But this can hopefully at least get you started thinking:
- Get into nature. There's something about God's great outdoors that is refreshing to the soul.
- Play with a child. Nothing can help refresh your viewpoint like seeing it through a child's eyes. If you don't have your own children, borrow someone else's for an hour or two.
- Spend some time on a favorite hobby, or develop a new one.
- Listen to inspiring music, or play some if you are musically inclined.
- Read
- Go to bed early. Really, it can be done!
- Have a "no technology" day. I did this for a whole week on a vacation earlier this year, and it was wonderfully freeing!
- Get a massage
Monday, November 26, 2012
Black Thread, White Thread
I don't like discomfort. Pain is something I try to avoid at all costs. Sometimes I think I would enjoy a life of "vanilla peace". You know, the kind where nothing bad ever seems to happen and things move along smoothly. However, as nice as it sometimes sounds, that sort of life is not really the pattern for growth.
I have slowly been learning to face my pain, rather than run and hide from it. It has been uncomfortable for sure, but it has also been remarkably healing. And I've learned several things.
First, the pain is not unbearable. The same God who promises that I will not be tempted above that which I can bear also does not allow me to suffer pain beyond what I can bear (although sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much).
Second, I've learned that the pain passes. In some ways, it is like a large wave of water in the ocean. The wave will wash over me, and then it passes, and I have some moments of calm before the next wave comes in. In the past, I was afraid that the pain would be overwhelming, and it wouldn't leave me. I'd be stuck in it. But it turns out that is not the case.
Third, I've learned that there is peace on the other side of the pain. This point was the one that I did not see coming. I figured that working through pain would leave me exhausted (which it indeed does on many occasions). But there is also peace from the Spirit once the pain has passed. In some ways, there is more peace on the other side, because the pain, having been heard and felt, no longer blocks the flow of the Spirit.
Finally, I've learned that as much as I enjoy the white threads in the tapestry of my life, the black threads are just as valuable in creating the entire picture.
I have slowly been learning to face my pain, rather than run and hide from it. It has been uncomfortable for sure, but it has also been remarkably healing. And I've learned several things.
First, the pain is not unbearable. The same God who promises that I will not be tempted above that which I can bear also does not allow me to suffer pain beyond what I can bear (although sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much).
Second, I've learned that the pain passes. In some ways, it is like a large wave of water in the ocean. The wave will wash over me, and then it passes, and I have some moments of calm before the next wave comes in. In the past, I was afraid that the pain would be overwhelming, and it wouldn't leave me. I'd be stuck in it. But it turns out that is not the case.
Third, I've learned that there is peace on the other side of the pain. This point was the one that I did not see coming. I figured that working through pain would leave me exhausted (which it indeed does on many occasions). But there is also peace from the Spirit once the pain has passed. In some ways, there is more peace on the other side, because the pain, having been heard and felt, no longer blocks the flow of the Spirit.
Finally, I've learned that as much as I enjoy the white threads in the tapestry of my life, the black threads are just as valuable in creating the entire picture.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Framework
They have been doing construction at my work for the past couple of months. Removing the old cubes and offices to make room for newer ones (I won't say improved, because I liked the old ones better, but I digress).
We were given plenty of notice when they were about to begin the first set of construction. Still, I was surprised when I came in on a Monday morning to see a wooden wall blocking off the entrance to the section they were working on. I was more surprised when I checked from another side, and found that the entire area had been gutted. I had walked through the area on the previous Friday, and everything was normal, as I remembered it. I was amazed at how quickly they could take everything down.
Building up the new area took the better part of a month. I have actually moved into the new area temporarily, until they finish my final location. The construction company has subsequently finished the second area, and moved on to the third. I took a quick glance at the third construction area the other day, and saw that it was in the freshly gutted stage. All of the cubicles, offices, and even the carpets are gone. But the area is not entirely bare. There are a handful of thick metal beams going from floor to ceiling, which support the level above. These beams (I don't know the official construction term) form the framework upon which the new offices and cubicles will be built, and are an essential part of the structural integrity of the building.
In a previous post, I talked about the foundation on which marital and personal healing should be built. Today, I want to talk a little bit more about where we go after we get a firm foundation. As always, the Lord has given us direction on this through His holy prophets. I will be taking my comments from the Family Proclamation:
Any of these principles could fill several blog posts. Perhaps I will do a series on them at some point. But for now, I wish to focus on two things:
1) These principles are based on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Christ is our foundation. The teachings and principles that He gives to us are the framework. Once we have our foundation, we need a strong and solid framework on which to build the rest of our marriage or personal life. The teachings of the Master provide us with this framework.
2) Since these are principles, they are unchanging by their nature.
One of the great comforts I find in the Gospel is its unchanging nature. Life changes and moves at an ever increasing pace. Philosophies and teachings change almost as often as the weather. Things that were once accepted by the greater community are being challenged, derided, and even sometimes discarded. In the midst of all of this chaos, it is comforting to know that what the Lord has given us is unchanging and eternal. A principle that is true today was true yesterday, and will be true tomorrow. Thus, we can build our framework without fear of it becoming outdated.
Although I have focused my comments today on building and healing a marriage, these same principles will also do wonders in personal healing.
Take a moment or two today and review this list of principles. Pick one that speaks to you, and strive to make it a bigger part of your life. I promise that the Lord will bless you as you do so.
We were given plenty of notice when they were about to begin the first set of construction. Still, I was surprised when I came in on a Monday morning to see a wooden wall blocking off the entrance to the section they were working on. I was more surprised when I checked from another side, and found that the entire area had been gutted. I had walked through the area on the previous Friday, and everything was normal, as I remembered it. I was amazed at how quickly they could take everything down.
Building up the new area took the better part of a month. I have actually moved into the new area temporarily, until they finish my final location. The construction company has subsequently finished the second area, and moved on to the third. I took a quick glance at the third construction area the other day, and saw that it was in the freshly gutted stage. All of the cubicles, offices, and even the carpets are gone. But the area is not entirely bare. There are a handful of thick metal beams going from floor to ceiling, which support the level above. These beams (I don't know the official construction term) form the framework upon which the new offices and cubicles will be built, and are an essential part of the structural integrity of the building.
In a previous post, I talked about the foundation on which marital and personal healing should be built. Today, I want to talk a little bit more about where we go after we get a firm foundation. As always, the Lord has given us direction on this through His holy prophets. I will be taking my comments from the Family Proclamation:
"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." -The Family: A Proclamation to the WorldIf you have not yet read this inspired document, you can read the entire proclamation here.
Any of these principles could fill several blog posts. Perhaps I will do a series on them at some point. But for now, I wish to focus on two things:
1) These principles are based on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Christ is our foundation. The teachings and principles that He gives to us are the framework. Once we have our foundation, we need a strong and solid framework on which to build the rest of our marriage or personal life. The teachings of the Master provide us with this framework.
2) Since these are principles, they are unchanging by their nature.
One of the great comforts I find in the Gospel is its unchanging nature. Life changes and moves at an ever increasing pace. Philosophies and teachings change almost as often as the weather. Things that were once accepted by the greater community are being challenged, derided, and even sometimes discarded. In the midst of all of this chaos, it is comforting to know that what the Lord has given us is unchanging and eternal. A principle that is true today was true yesterday, and will be true tomorrow. Thus, we can build our framework without fear of it becoming outdated.
Although I have focused my comments today on building and healing a marriage, these same principles will also do wonders in personal healing.
Take a moment or two today and review this list of principles. Pick one that speaks to you, and strive to make it a bigger part of your life. I promise that the Lord will bless you as you do so.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Lord, Is It I?
This year has been a year of healing and change for me, as well as one that has been eye-opening in many ways. Earlier in the year, I ended a long-standing relationship with computer games, a relationship which was keeping me in the dark about a great many things. The computer game addiction is worth a whole series of posts, which I will eventually do. But today, I want to focus on what I have seen in the months since I quit playing computer games.
I have seen a Mark who is not quite as innocent a victim as I have painted myself out to be. It was very easy to point outward to other things as the reasons why there was a lack of closeness in my relationship with my wife. She is tired from taking care of the kids all day. She has had a rough day. The kids are making me feel tired. It's been a long day of work. And on and on and on.
I played the martyr card early and often. I wasn't blatant and obvious about it, but it permeated the way I interacted with my wife, and to a lesser extent, my kids. I allowed myself to believe that circumstances were beyond my control, and that I would be the super-husband and super-dad, forever working and ever underappreciated. Even though I didn't see a way to change, I would be faithful to my covenants.
Now there is some truth in those statements, right? Of course I should be faithful to my covenants. There are times in life when I will need to step up and provide a little bit of extra. But the statements are not fully true. And the most dangerous kind of lie is the one that is mixed with a careful portion of the truth.
As I have become more aware over the past few months, the Spirit has gently indicated that I might want to reconsider some of my views. I have prayed for my eyes and ears to be opened. And I have seen more of the truth, even though some of it has been painful:
For if these things are external, there is no hope of changing them. I am truly stuck. But if they are the result of my choices, then I have the power to choose differently. There is still time to change my ways. There is time to do the right thing, for the right reasons, with the right attitude. There is a word for this. It is repentance.
The disciples who were with Jesus in his earthly ministry give us a good example of how to do this. At the Last Supper, Jesus announced that one of His disciples would betray Him. To their credit, the apostles did not nudge each other and whisper, "I'll bet it's old Judas. He's sure been acting strange lately." Instead, they were sorrowful, and asked earnestly, "Lord, is it I?" (Matthew 26:21-22)
Rather than looking around me at all of the things that are "causing" me to behave a certain way, I want to live with a "Lord, is it I?" attitude. Is there contention in my home? Distance? A lack of promised blessings? What am I contributing to the problem? What is my part? What can I change?
Lord, is it I?
I have seen a Mark who is not quite as innocent a victim as I have painted myself out to be. It was very easy to point outward to other things as the reasons why there was a lack of closeness in my relationship with my wife. She is tired from taking care of the kids all day. She has had a rough day. The kids are making me feel tired. It's been a long day of work. And on and on and on.
I played the martyr card early and often. I wasn't blatant and obvious about it, but it permeated the way I interacted with my wife, and to a lesser extent, my kids. I allowed myself to believe that circumstances were beyond my control, and that I would be the super-husband and super-dad, forever working and ever underappreciated. Even though I didn't see a way to change, I would be faithful to my covenants.
Now there is some truth in those statements, right? Of course I should be faithful to my covenants. There are times in life when I will need to step up and provide a little bit of extra. But the statements are not fully true. And the most dangerous kind of lie is the one that is mixed with a careful portion of the truth.
As I have become more aware over the past few months, the Spirit has gently indicated that I might want to reconsider some of my views. I have prayed for my eyes and ears to be opened. And I have seen more of the truth, even though some of it has been painful:
- The truth is that the responsibility for my happiness and closeness is not "out there". It is inside me.
- The truth is that while circumstances are sometimes beyond my control, my attitude is always under my control.
- The truth is that I can be faithful and pleasant at the same time.
- The truth is that much of my own loneliness, and the delay of promised blessings in my relationship, are due to my own choices.
- The truth is that my choices have caused great pain, not just to me, but also to the lives of those who I love, foremost among them my beloved wife.
For if these things are external, there is no hope of changing them. I am truly stuck. But if they are the result of my choices, then I have the power to choose differently. There is still time to change my ways. There is time to do the right thing, for the right reasons, with the right attitude. There is a word for this. It is repentance.
The disciples who were with Jesus in his earthly ministry give us a good example of how to do this. At the Last Supper, Jesus announced that one of His disciples would betray Him. To their credit, the apostles did not nudge each other and whisper, "I'll bet it's old Judas. He's sure been acting strange lately." Instead, they were sorrowful, and asked earnestly, "Lord, is it I?" (Matthew 26:21-22)
Rather than looking around me at all of the things that are "causing" me to behave a certain way, I want to live with a "Lord, is it I?" attitude. Is there contention in my home? Distance? A lack of promised blessings? What am I contributing to the problem? What is my part? What can I change?
Lord, is it I?
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Do we "deserve" love?
I had a rough patch the other day. As I was driving somewhere, I was pondering what more I needed to do to deserve love. The Spirit stopped me with a soft, yet direct question: "Is love something that is deserved?" I thought about it some. Does Jesus love me because I deserve it? What about my children? Have they done something to deserve my love? Is love a commodity that can be earned?
The truest and highest form of love is unconditional. This is the kind of love that Heavenly Father and Jesus have for us. As we read in the New Testament:
There is also another person that needs our unconditional love. That is ourselves. This one is even harder for me. I struggle mightily to love myself, especially when I make mistakes. And yet, the love that I feel for my family and others flows from the love I feel for myself.
I hope that I may draw closer to the Lord. His love is unconditional and unending. There is a limitless supply for all who will come unto Him:
We love him, because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19Ideally, this is also the kind of love that we show for our spouse and children. That is, unconditional love. I am not there yet, but I am striving to get there.
There is also another person that needs our unconditional love. That is ourselves. This one is even harder for me. I struggle mightily to love myself, especially when I make mistakes. And yet, the love that I feel for my family and others flows from the love I feel for myself.
I hope that I may draw closer to the Lord. His love is unconditional and unending. There is a limitless supply for all who will come unto Him:
Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price. 2 Nephi 9:50May we feast upon His love, and then share it with those around us.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Seeking for help
I injured my shoulder about a month and a half ago moving furniture. It's been a little bit sore ever since. Not sore enough to cause a lot of pain, but enough to be uncomfortable. Enough to remind me that it is there. Today I finally made an appointment to go and see the doctor, since it doesn't seem to be getting better on its own.
Although my immediate pain is physical, this also applies to emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. Sometimes we have hurts that aren't so visible or obvious. They don't hurt enough to stop us in our day to day lives, but they do make us uncomfortable. They prevent us from functioning fully. And just as a doctor can help me with my shoulder, loving leaders, mentors, friends, and the Holy Ghost can help us with our less visible pains. We need others to help us in our need.
And above all, let us remember the Master Physician, who has the answers to all of our pains. He knows exactly what you are feeling, because He experienced it Himself. As Isaiah wrote:
Although my immediate pain is physical, this also applies to emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. Sometimes we have hurts that aren't so visible or obvious. They don't hurt enough to stop us in our day to day lives, but they do make us uncomfortable. They prevent us from functioning fully. And just as a doctor can help me with my shoulder, loving leaders, mentors, friends, and the Holy Ghost can help us with our less visible pains. We need others to help us in our need.
And above all, let us remember the Master Physician, who has the answers to all of our pains. He knows exactly what you are feeling, because He experienced it Himself. As Isaiah wrote:
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:3-5Come unto the Savior, and find sweet peace and reassurance at His feet.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Foundation
The other day, I was thinking about the movie "The Mountain of the Lord". Specifically, I was thinking about the part of the movie where Johnston's army is approaching the city. This requires the saints to bury the foundation of the temple to prevent the holy ground from being desecrated. After the immediate threat of the army has passed, the foundation is exhumed so that the construction of the temple may continue.
Unfortunately, the foundation is discovered to have cracks in it, which will not support the weight of a granite temple. Despondent, President Young vows not to move from the spot until he knows what he is to do.
Later in the day, Elder Woodruff comes to visit with President Young. Elder Woodruff suggests a new plan of action. The new approach will create a stable foundation, but will also require that the entire existing foundation be removed. Nine years of labor have already been been put into the temple construction, and it will be necessary to start all over again. This is indeed what is done.
There are several things that can be taken from this experience that apply to our marriages:
1) Sometimes it is necessary to start over
Undoubtably, it was heartbreaking to throw away nine years of toil, sacrifice, blood, sweat, and tears. And yet the purpose of the temple was to stand through the Millenium. If they had continued to build on a damaged foundation, how long would it have been until the temple collapsed? Then the foundation would still need to be removed, along with everything else that had collapsed on top of it. They would have only been delaying the inevitable by trying to build on a damaged foundation.
Are there parts of our marriage that are build on a damaged foundation? Have we built, expecting the other person to "complete us"? Did we marry solely based on feelings of infatuation that have faded? Are we relying on our own efforts too much? Are there more serious issues, such as pornography, abuse, or an affair? Are our marriages balanced precariously on a broken block of stone, nearing the point of collapse?
In many cases, a marriage may be on strong footings, and need only a small amount of renovation. But sometimes all of the broken pieces need to come up so that a sure and strong foundation can be put in its place. If you feel you are in this situation, please don't delay. A broken foundation will not get better on its own.
2) Sometimes we need the help of other people
President Young was the prophet, and had spent a considerable amount of time praying and pondering on what to do. But it was not until Elder Woodruff came and spoke with him that he was able to move forward with what needed to be done.
We are not sent to this earth to be alone in our struggles. Prayerfully consider where you can turn to for help. A loving bishop or a kind, supportive counselor can provide a listening ear and a helping hand. You may also be able to find a mentor couple, who may have had similar experiences to yours.
I would be cautious about going to family or friends. While they do care about you, they may be too close to the situation to provide an objective point of view.
The Lord knows your situation better than I do. If you ask Him, He will direct you to someone who can help. While the Lord can certainly meet all of our needs, He often works through other people. He understands that sometimes we need to see the ear that is listening to us, and feel a physical hand of comfort on our shoulders.
3) Remember who your foundation is
I have saved the most important point for last. We often look to others to be our foundation, whether it is our spouse, parent, friend, or leader. While all of these people can be helpful, they cannot provide us with what we truly need. The scriptures teach us where our foundation is to be found:
Unfortunately, the foundation is discovered to have cracks in it, which will not support the weight of a granite temple. Despondent, President Young vows not to move from the spot until he knows what he is to do.
Later in the day, Elder Woodruff comes to visit with President Young. Elder Woodruff suggests a new plan of action. The new approach will create a stable foundation, but will also require that the entire existing foundation be removed. Nine years of labor have already been been put into the temple construction, and it will be necessary to start all over again. This is indeed what is done.
There are several things that can be taken from this experience that apply to our marriages:
1) Sometimes it is necessary to start over
Undoubtably, it was heartbreaking to throw away nine years of toil, sacrifice, blood, sweat, and tears. And yet the purpose of the temple was to stand through the Millenium. If they had continued to build on a damaged foundation, how long would it have been until the temple collapsed? Then the foundation would still need to be removed, along with everything else that had collapsed on top of it. They would have only been delaying the inevitable by trying to build on a damaged foundation.
Are there parts of our marriage that are build on a damaged foundation? Have we built, expecting the other person to "complete us"? Did we marry solely based on feelings of infatuation that have faded? Are we relying on our own efforts too much? Are there more serious issues, such as pornography, abuse, or an affair? Are our marriages balanced precariously on a broken block of stone, nearing the point of collapse?
In many cases, a marriage may be on strong footings, and need only a small amount of renovation. But sometimes all of the broken pieces need to come up so that a sure and strong foundation can be put in its place. If you feel you are in this situation, please don't delay. A broken foundation will not get better on its own.
2) Sometimes we need the help of other people
President Young was the prophet, and had spent a considerable amount of time praying and pondering on what to do. But it was not until Elder Woodruff came and spoke with him that he was able to move forward with what needed to be done.
We are not sent to this earth to be alone in our struggles. Prayerfully consider where you can turn to for help. A loving bishop or a kind, supportive counselor can provide a listening ear and a helping hand. You may also be able to find a mentor couple, who may have had similar experiences to yours.
I would be cautious about going to family or friends. While they do care about you, they may be too close to the situation to provide an objective point of view.
The Lord knows your situation better than I do. If you ask Him, He will direct you to someone who can help. While the Lord can certainly meet all of our needs, He often works through other people. He understands that sometimes we need to see the ear that is listening to us, and feel a physical hand of comfort on our shoulders.
3) Remember who your foundation is
I have saved the most important point for last. We often look to others to be our foundation, whether it is our spouse, parent, friend, or leader. While all of these people can be helpful, they cannot provide us with what we truly need. The scriptures teach us where our foundation is to be found:
Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God; And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone. Ephesians 2:19-20Whether your foundation needs only a few bricks replaced, or a complete removal, be sure that you are built on the chief cornerstone. Jesus loves you, and He very much wants your marriage to succeed.
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