At the Crossroads

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life.  It's been awhile since I reached one.  There are three paths available to me.

One path leads to the realization of all of my hopes and dreams, both for myself and for my marriage.

One path leads onward the same way I have been going, which is a lonely place of mostly solitary travel.

One path leads backward to some of the things that I have left behind, which still whisper to me and beckon for me to return to them.

From where I stand, the paths look identical.  It will take some travel on each one before I can see the destination.  And once I am far enough to see the destination, the crossroads will be past my reach.

Deep down in my heart, I know the things that I need to do.  They are simple to understand (although that does not necessarily make them easy).  I pray that I may follow the promptings of the Spirit, so that I may choose the correct path, the one that will lead me to the things which God desires for me.


Image credit: http://www.dreamstime.com/

Correcting in Anger...or Love?

How many of you struggle with a critical inner voice?  You know the kind I mean.  The one that is constantly telling you that you suck, that you don't deserve good things in your life, that your best efforts will never be good enough.

I hear that voice often in my life.  It points out all of my mistakes, and it puts me through the wringer for them.  It saps away my energy, and leaves me an empty husk.  More than anything, it gives me cause to harp on myself for almost every mistake I make, big or small.

Now I am all about improvement and becoming more like our Savior.  That is a big part of this life.  But I have learned (or at least am trying to learn) that correcting myself in anger doesn't work.  It just doesn't!

How many of you have kids?  How well does it go when you correct them in anger?  If it's anything like with my kids, it creates hurt feelings and tears.  It doesn't work any better when I turn it on myself.  I've been ripping myself to shreds for years, and it hasn't worked.

According to Albert Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result.  Continuing to rip myself to shreds will bring more of the same result.  It's time to try something different.  It's time to try love.

I'm learning that my internal self-perception is flawed.  At some level, my inner critical voice tells me that I am bad, flawed, terrible, etc.  If I can change that perception, that paradigm, I can change my world.  But until I do, no one will be able to get through to me, and I will be unable to receive the love that is there for me.  It's time to try something else.  It's time to view myself as the Lord sees me.

"He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him.  Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation...He saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price." -2 Nephi 26:24-25

When the Lord speaks about "all men" and "all ye ends of the earth", He is including me.  And He is including you.  Even when we feel otherwise.  We can love Him, because "He first loved us." (1 John 4:19).  This is His promise to you.  And to me.

A Lesson from Pain

Last week, I had an opportunity to learn a lesson from pain.  I went in on Wednesday to have earwax removed from my ears.  I have this done every so often, as it builds up fast enough that I eventually become unable to hear (no comments about "ears to hear" from the peanut gallery, please).  I went in, and in the process of removing the wax, I was reminded about my weak eardrums in a most unpleasant way.  I had a small rupture in my left eardrum.

Now it was only a small rupture, but that is neither here nor there when it come to eardrums (perhaps that should be "neither hear nor there", but I digress).  I had a period of strong dizziness and pain, which mostly passed, and I went back to work.  About an hour later, the pain returned.  And this is not your standard scraped finger or bruise, or even slamming into a door.  This was pain that was a 7 or 8 on my 10 point pain scale.

As I sat there at my desk, hardly able to even think, and wanting to curl up into the fetal position, I prayed.  And my prayer was a most unusual one for me.  "Heavenly Father, what would you have me learn from this pain?"  As I said, most unusual.  My normal prayer in this situation would be, "Heavenly Father, please remove this pain, and as quickly as possible!"

The Lord did answer my prayer.  One of the most important things I learned from this experience was compassion.  Compassion for those who suffer.  Compassion for my children when they get leg cramps.  Compassion for my wife in her struggles.  And if I listen very closely to the Spirit, I can even find a little compassion for myself.

I find this compassion to be a very valuable gift, well worth a couple of hours of intense pain.

Reciprocity

In a healthy marriage relationship, both partners are helping to meet the needs of the other.  In an unhealthy marriage, both parties fend for themselves.  That's where I'm at most of the time.  I also feel that while I can sometimes offer help to my wife, there isn't much coming back the other way.  Early in the marriage, she couldn't.  Now I think she might be able to once in a while, but I have learned to fend for myself.  It is a very lonely feeling, and a lonely place to be.

It's the same at work.  People come to me for help and advice.  But I usually have to do my things without outside help.  At least it feels like that sometimes.

But I do get help from others at work.  And once in a great while, I received some help from my wife at home.  I wish it were more frequent.  But ultimately, that is something that I cannot control.  I can only do my best, and leave the rest in the Lord's hands.

Children

I have three small children, ages 8, 6, and 5.  I love them dearly.  I'm glad they are a part of my life.

And sometimes it feels like they are sucking the life out of my marriage.

Children are natural born consumers.  They will consume everything you give to them, and then some, if given the opportunity.  Our children are energetic, which makes them higher maintenance than the average.  Our youngest child is also very passionate and stubborn, and frequently stirs things up with her older brother and sister.  Some days when I get home, there isn't much left in my wife's energy bucket.

Being raised as an only child, it is difficult for me sometimes when the children pick at each other.  I tire of the yelling, screaming, and etc.  I also don't always bring home a lot of energy from work.  But that is a post for another night.

Sleep

One of the great challenges that has always faced my marriage is sleep...or the lack thereof.  My wife is a very light sleeper, and I am a very loud snorer (or so I am told.  I don't remember for myself, as I am typically asleep at the time).

But a deeper challenge has been my own commitment to a reasonable bedtime.  I have been unable to set a consistent bedtime and arise time, and stick to it.  It has been a source of immense frustration to me, as I know I would do better as a husband (and father) if I were sufficiently rested.  I don't really want to wait for the kids to go to college before that happens.  But then again, that is just an excuse.  The sleep issue is with me, not my wife or children.

As I have pondered and read, I have come to wonder if lack of love supplies is causing my self-induced insomnia.  As if I am staying up late in an attempt to fill a void in my life.  Whatever I am striving to fill, the way I am going about it now is not working.  As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results.

The Lord is the One who can fill the void inside.  I need to be reminded of this frequently.  I was not raised in the Christian faith (although my mother did teach me good values and standards).  I still forget to call upon the Lord for strength or comfort when needed.  This is something I wish to improve on, as He repeatedly tells us to ask, seek, and knock.

I would write more, but I am tired, and I think that a good night's sleep would help more than blogging would.

Past, Present, and Future

In order to get somewhere, we must first know where we are.  I intend to post as the Spirit directs.  At the moment, I feel that I should post on where I currently am in my personal walk with the Savior, as well as in my marriage.  I imagine this will take several days.  As much as I might wish for things to be different, I must work with reality.  Especially since I once heard it said that if we fight against reality, we only lose 100% of the time.

I have been pondering where I live most of my marriage.  I determined that I spend most of it in the past or the future.  Neither is a particularly good place for building the marriage.  The past is filled with regret for poor choices, unforgiven offenses (both real and imagined), and outdated information.  I am not the same person that I was in the past.  Neither is my wife.  Both of us have grown and changed since we got married.  Attempting to work out of the past is futile, as many of the assumptions that live there no longer apply.

The future is an equally bad place to live.  I can set things however I wish in the future, without effort or consequence.  However, it is like a dream and an illusion.  Also, sometimes anxiety and depression kick in, making the future look dark and bleak.  This can lead to the self-fulfilling prophecy, and also makes it difficult for me to even want to try.  Whether good or ill, the future is not the place to live either.

That leaves the present.  This is the only moment that I have any control or influence over.  The past is gone, and cannot be recalled.  I can hopefully learn from it, but then it needs to be left in peace.  The future is a dream, and one that is by no means guaranteed.  The Lord reminded us of this in the Bible with a parable:

"The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully:  And he thought within himself, saying, What shall I do, because I have no room where to bestow my fruits?  And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my fruits and my goods.  And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry.  But God said unto him, Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee: then whose shall those things be, which thou hast provided?" -Luke 12: 16-20 (KJV)

It is good to set goals for the future, but the present is the only way to reach them.

So to strengthen my marriage, I need to learn from the past, plan for the future, but live in the present.  Each day I am given a new opportunity to do the things the Lord would have me do to strengthen my marriage.  I can no longer afford to live anywhere other than where I am today.