A Simple Question

I'm feeling a bit frazzled today, so today's thought will be a short one.  It is taken from a recent post from Corey over at Simple Marriage.  The post there is even shorter than this one, so I will share it in its entirety here:

Would you want to be married to you?

Please take a few moments to seriously ponder this question.  Oh, and if you are like me, you might want to do your pondering with the Lord in prayer.  This question should bring thoughtful reflection, not shame.

Invincibility Is Not Good For Your Marriage

"I am strong and tough.  I can handle whatever life throws at me on my own.  I am self-reliant.  I don't need anyone else.  I am invincible!"



Does any of this sound familiar to you?  I know that I tell myself things like this all of the time.  I think there are many of us out there (especially men) who want to feel strong, powerful, and in control all of the time.  But I will let you in on a big secret.

It's a lie.

It really is.  No matter how much we may feel otherwise, no matter how much we don't want to admit it, we aren't invincible.  We are very mortal, weak, and sometimes even fragile inside.  That can be a hard blow to take.  The old ego doesn't like being told things like that.  But invincibility is actually a stumbling block in marriage.

A person that is invincible is also a person that can't be touched.  It's no fun trying to get a reaction out of a brick wall.  Sometimes he becomes a person that runs through or knocks over everything he comes in contact with.  That's no fun for those who have to live with him.  And being based on a lie, pretending to be invincible takes a lot of energy to maintain the lie.

And if we were truly invincible, we would have no need of the Lord in our lives.  And that kind of pretend invincibility is the most damaging of all, because it cuts us off from the only one who can truly make us strong.

I think most women would prefer a weak, occasionally stumbling man who is humble and repentant, to one who is "perfect" and untouchable.

Now I hear you saying, Mark, that is easier said than done!  I understand.  I created my own illusion of invincibility to protect myself from some deep hurt in my past.  But the shell it has created has pushed my wife away, and robbed both of us of the closeness that God intended us to have in our marriage.  Opening the shell is very uncomfortable.  In choosing to be vulnerable with my wife, I also have a fear of being shredded.  But that vulernability is the very thing that can bring us closer together.  When she truly knows me, she can love me for who I really am, rather than having to work around a shell.  This vulernability is still new to me, and it is still very uncomfortable.  But the closeness it has generated, even for a short time, has been well worth the risk.

So if you think you are invincible, or that you need to be, might I suggest that you think again?  Take some time to pray about it.  Ask your spouse which he/she would prefer: an invincible spouse or a vulernable spouse.  You might be surprised at the answer.

Reciprocity

In a healthy marriage relationship, both partners are helping to meet the needs of the other.  In an unhealthy marriage, both parties fend for themselves.  That's where I'm at most of the time.  I also feel that while I can sometimes offer help to my wife, there isn't much coming back the other way.  Early in the marriage, she couldn't.  Now I think she might be able to once in a while, but I have learned to fend for myself.  It is a very lonely feeling, and a lonely place to be.

It's the same at work.  People come to me for help and advice.  But I usually have to do my things without outside help.  At least it feels like that sometimes.

But I do get help from others at work.  And once in a great while, I received some help from my wife at home.  I wish it were more frequent.  But ultimately, that is something that I cannot control.  I can only do my best, and leave the rest in the Lord's hands.

Children

I have three small children, ages 8, 6, and 5.  I love them dearly.  I'm glad they are a part of my life.

And sometimes it feels like they are sucking the life out of my marriage.

Children are natural born consumers.  They will consume everything you give to them, and then some, if given the opportunity.  Our children are energetic, which makes them higher maintenance than the average.  Our youngest child is also very passionate and stubborn, and frequently stirs things up with her older brother and sister.  Some days when I get home, there isn't much left in my wife's energy bucket.

Being raised as an only child, it is difficult for me sometimes when the children pick at each other.  I tire of the yelling, screaming, and etc.  I also don't always bring home a lot of energy from work.  But that is a post for another night.

Sleep

One of the great challenges that has always faced my marriage is sleep...or the lack thereof.  My wife is a very light sleeper, and I am a very loud snorer (or so I am told.  I don't remember for myself, as I am typically asleep at the time).

But a deeper challenge has been my own commitment to a reasonable bedtime.  I have been unable to set a consistent bedtime and arise time, and stick to it.  It has been a source of immense frustration to me, as I know I would do better as a husband (and father) if I were sufficiently rested.  I don't really want to wait for the kids to go to college before that happens.  But then again, that is just an excuse.  The sleep issue is with me, not my wife or children.

As I have pondered and read, I have come to wonder if lack of love supplies is causing my self-induced insomnia.  As if I am staying up late in an attempt to fill a void in my life.  Whatever I am striving to fill, the way I am going about it now is not working.  As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results.

The Lord is the One who can fill the void inside.  I need to be reminded of this frequently.  I was not raised in the Christian faith (although my mother did teach me good values and standards).  I still forget to call upon the Lord for strength or comfort when needed.  This is something I wish to improve on, as He repeatedly tells us to ask, seek, and knock.

I would write more, but I am tired, and I think that a good night's sleep would help more than blogging would.

Past, Present, and Future

In order to get somewhere, we must first know where we are.  I intend to post as the Spirit directs.  At the moment, I feel that I should post on where I currently am in my personal walk with the Savior, as well as in my marriage.  I imagine this will take several days.  As much as I might wish for things to be different, I must work with reality.  Especially since I once heard it said that if we fight against reality, we only lose 100% of the time.

I have been pondering where I live most of my marriage.  I determined that I spend most of it in the past or the future.  Neither is a particularly good place for building the marriage.  The past is filled with regret for poor choices, unforgiven offenses (both real and imagined), and outdated information.  I am not the same person that I was in the past.  Neither is my wife.  Both of us have grown and changed since we got married.  Attempting to work out of the past is futile, as many of the assumptions that live there no longer apply.

The future is an equally bad place to live.  I can set things however I wish in the future, without effort or consequence.  However, it is like a dream and an illusion.  Also, sometimes anxiety and depression kick in, making the future look dark and bleak.  This can lead to the self-fulfilling prophecy, and also makes it difficult for me to even want to try.  Whether good or ill, the future is not the place to live either.

That leaves the present.  This is the only moment that I have any control or influence over.  The past is gone, and cannot be recalled.  I can hopefully learn from it, but then it needs to be left in peace.  The future is a dream, and one that is by no means guaranteed.  The Lord reminded us of this in the Bible with a parable:

"The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully:  And he thought within himself, saying, What shall I do, because I have no room where to bestow my fruits?  And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my fruits and my goods.  And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry.  But God said unto him, Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee: then whose shall those things be, which thou hast provided?" -Luke 12: 16-20 (KJV)

It is good to set goals for the future, but the present is the only way to reach them.

So to strengthen my marriage, I need to learn from the past, plan for the future, but live in the present.  Each day I am given a new opportunity to do the things the Lord would have me do to strengthen my marriage.  I can no longer afford to live anywhere other than where I am today.